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Mathias Wynne's Journal

14th September, 2011. 12:38 pm. Earth-sky-earth-sky-ambulance Charity tour for Tadworth Children's Hospital

Once more, Mathias (and the co-drivers) are setting off on a charity car tour in aid of Tadworth Children's Hospital, our company charity for the year.

On Friday morning at 07:30, Mark Harvey and I will be attempting to drive from Canary Wharf to Monaco. Within 36 hours.

But not in any ordinary car - in keeping with the current austere economic climate, this is a a banger (that's a cheap car, not a sausage, I mean not links, for the Americans reading this) that cost less than 500 GBP. At the destination it will be donated to charity - or possibly scrapped before then, if it blows up or we crash. We've named the car "Christine" - after the Steven King novel - and it's our naiive hope that the car will manage to repair itself. Because neither of us have a clue how to do it.

Providing navigation for the pair of us will be the Headless Tadworth Teddy (he can't see, and yet has a better sense of direction than Mathias), and acting as co-driver on this trip will be Mark Harvey, who remains blissfully unaware (em… right until be he reads this) of the myriad hospital fates that have befallen almost every other partner in Mathias's sporting endeavours.

These have ranged from:


  • Crashing a mountain-bike on the black run at Val D'Isere ("The first thing I heard, after I regained consciousness with a broken radius, scaphoid, clavicle and 3 ribs, was Mathias laughing. I also noticed he had gently 'poked me with his foot' to see if I was alright whilst I was unconscious")

  • Cold-planing a brand new Yamaha YZF1000 on the Bruges ring road ("After the accident, Mathias said 'trust me, I'm a doctor", pronounced me fit and healthy, and gave me a cigaratte. The broken ribs and collapsed lung he had inexplicably missed made smoking it difficult.")

  • Demolishing the only solid obstacle for 3 miles at Snetterton racetrack with his head ("All I remember is bouncing along the ground at 70mph and then I hit the marshal's hut with my head. Mathias checked I was alive before emailing a picture of the wreckage back to the office")

  • Dislocating a shoulder mountainbiking in kent ("I'd previously made a rash comment about whipping his ass so hard he would be crying out for his Mum. But after I crashed, he nearly ran over my head, then he called my mother instead of an ambulance so she could laugh at me")

 
And also…


  • When I arrived at hospital, they took one look at me and admitted me straight away. This wasn't helped by the fact that whilst I was unconscious waiting for the ambulance, Mathias had painted me green using food colouring for a joke.

  • "All I can remember is everything going earth-sky-earth-sky-ambulance and then I woke up in hospital".

  • "I could tell what they were doing was a really bad idea, but intead of warning them I thought I would just watch for a bit in case it turned funny…"

 
All costs of the trip (car, carbon offset, insurance, accomodation, fuel, medical care, subsequent PTSD* treatment) are borne by the victims team members; all the money you give will go directly to the charity.

Yes, we know. You've had lots of charity requests. It's the time of year for it. But none of the others have such a chance of an entertaining accident or disastrous explosion, so please give generously.

You can donate at www.justgiving.com/TeamChristine .

Or you can come to see us off at Columbus Courtyard, Canary Wharf, from about 07:30 on September 16th if you're in the area.

* Post-trip something disaster.


Current mood: amused.

2 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

13th September, 2011. 7:53 pm. A madman with bloodshot eyes, holding an oxyacetylene torch & a stolen burning teddy bear

I have managed to get into the garage, by cutting a small hole in the door and accessing the emergency release, and once inside, I have re-programmed the radio control box afresh, and I've even sealed up the hole after me.
As I am collecting for charity shortly (www.justgiving.com/TeamChristine), I thought I would make a little promotional video using the teddy bear from Tadworth Hospital I've been given as a glove puppet. I was going to do the voices and everything...

"What game shall we play today, children? Shall we play breaking and entering with uncle Mathias?"
[fx: Teddy Bear nods]
"Shall we use the stone cutter?"
[fx: Teddy Bear shakes head]
"Shall we use the hacksaw?"
[fx: Teddy Bear shakes head]
"Or shall we use Mr Oxygen and Mrs Acetylene?"
[fx: Teddy Bear nods vigourously]
"Gosh. It's almost as though you read my mind! Ok then Tadworth Teddy, pick up the acetylene torch. Now children, it's vitally important to purge the gas lines. Shall we purge the lines, Tadworth Teddy?"
... and so on.
Unfortunately, it's more difficult than I thought to actually hold a teddy bear who is in turn holding an oxy-acetylene cutting torch in one hand, and a video camera in the other, especially whilst doing the teddy bear voice. And despite my own personal superpower (the ability to explain the patently insane to law enforcement officers without giggling), I could see this was going to cause problems in the future.

"Hello? 999? Is that the police? Well, this might sound insane, but there's a crazy man with bloodshot eyes wearing a Hawaiian shirt muttering to himself, holding a burning teddy bear stolen from a children's charity in one hand, an oxy-acetylene torch in the other, breaking into his own house... No, I've not been drinking... You'd better send the fire brigade too, he's just set fire to his motorbike with the teddy. Oh, hang on, and an ambulance, the motorbike has fallen over on top of him. No wait, he's dragging himself towards the river to get water, send the coastguard too..."



Current mood: amused.

1 Crashed Skateboard -Drive Fast and Dangerous

4th August, 2011. 6:06 pm. Ooh look! Betty Ford Clinic is back... briefly. Well, tomorrow, actually

They said it would never happen...

They were wrong.

In honour of the late, great Betty Ford (18.04.18-08.07.11) we are proud to present the last ever Betty Ford Clinic – One Last Gasp!

Make your final appointment to enjoy the finest goth, industrial, ebm and whatever else we feel like in our new venue, the Chapel Bar, on August the 5th from 21:00 Friday to 03:00 on Saturday.

Erm... it would be useful if I actually said where the Chapel Bar WAS, wouldn't it? 29 Penton Street, Islington N1 9PX

http://bettyfordclinic.co.​uk/

DJs – Psyche, Andy RavenSable, Helen Hays, Barbed Wire Kiss, Virus, Thunder and Synne.

Entry - £6 before 23:00 and £7 thereafter.

Travel -
Angel (5 mins walk) and Kings Cross (12 mins walk) Underground Stations.
Nearby bus routes: 17, 30, 63, 73, 91, 153, 205, 215, 259, 274, 394, 476
National Rail and Overground: Kings Cross (12 mins walk), Euston (23 mins walk), Old Street (25 mins)

Current mood: amused.

Drive Fast and Dangerous

10th July, 2011. 12:04 pm. Hello Livejournal, how are you, have you missed me?

If you're going to program a bot to spam me, please ensure that (a) it can spell correctly and (b) it notices if I copy and paste the previous lines back at it.

mpolesy: hey
mpolesy: hello?
mathiaswynne: hello?
mpolesy: Hey what's up? 23/F here. u?
mathiaswynne: And you are?
mpolesy: Hmm. Have we chattted before?
mathiaswynne: I don't know. Who are you?
mpolesy: Really? You dont remember me?
mathiaswynne: Who are you?
mpolesy: I cant belive you dont remember me
mathiaswynne: Really? You're completely forgettable. Who are you?
mpolesy: I cant belive you dont remember me
mathiaswynne: I'm Susan. Who are you?
mpolesy: Really? You dont remember me?
mathiaswynne: Really? You dont remember me?
mpolesy: Oh sorrrry. l waasnt sure. Butt anywayyyssss.. What r u up to?
mathiaswynne: Oh sorrrry. l waasnt sure. Butt anywayyyssss.. What r u up to?
mpolesy: Oooo. lm Iike sooooo bored.
mathiaswynne: Oooo. lm Iike sooooo bored.
mpolesy: Hey l got a idea.. lma get on my web-cam. Do u wanna watcch?
mathiaswynne: Yes! That would be a wonderful idea. Why don't you send me a webcam address full of trojans!
mathiaswynne: I'm really very stupid and will fall for this.
mpolesy: Yeah? Ok u do have to siggnup for freee cause its settup thru this site so that l cant be recorrded. Ok?
mathiaswynne: Ok, yes, I will do anything you say, I trust you completely even though you don't know who I am, and you're a bot!
mpolesy: Im not a freaking bot
mathiaswynne: Im not a freaking bot
mpolesy: A bot? not hardly babe. Are you?
mathiaswynne: Yes.
mathiaswynne: I'm a bot.
mpolesy: K babbe. lt's super simplIe
mpolesy: http://***** goo there then at the top of the pagge cIlick on the goIld buttton up at the top that says JOlIN FREE. K?
mathiaswynne: Ok, I will do that now! I’m a very clever bot.
mathiaswynne: Hang on doing it now...
mpolesy: AlIso when you signuup it wilI ask for a creddit card to veriffy your age.
mpolesy: lt wiIl not charge the carrd at alI. Not even a pennny. Ilts just to make sure that u r over 18. AIriight?
mathiaswynne: Well I'm actually only 9 years old. But my spelling’s really good, isn’t it?
mathiaswynne: Should I use someone else's credit card instead? Probably best not to ask them, I’ll just take it without permission, ok?
mpolesy: K. When you get finisshed and lIogged in then vieew my camm and we can have some fuuunnnn!!!
mathiaswynne: Great! I'll do that at once! I can't imagine why I didn't do this before!
mpolesy: lf you tip me some goId or join me in privte l wilI do anythinng you ask me too.
mpolesy: l mean ANYTHlING babe :-X
mathiaswynne: Really ANYTHING? Awesome! I really want a Rotovap. Can you send me one of those? And a bucket of Thermolene.
mpolesy: Iets taIlk on the site when you get in. Hurry up im ready to plIay.
mathiaswynne: Ok, I'm just going to steal someone else's credit card, because I won't be allowed one of my own for a few years, what with being only 3 years old. So when I come online I will be in the name of Scott Deathboy, ok?


Current mood: amused.

6 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

8th March, 2011. 7:22 pm. A cautionary tale...

 A small businessman I know expressed disappointment to Lloyds at the considerable (and expanding) temporal gap between his customers putting their plastic in the charge machine in his shop, and the cleared funds turning up in his account. He said to them "do you need a bomb putting up your arse to get this done on time?".

Almost immediately, the Met turned up and closed him down for 2 hours whilst they searched the premises.

Apparently, according to the Met, the politically correct and approved colloquial expression is "rocket up your arse", not "bomb up your arse".

Still, as I said to him, he was getting off lightly - at least they didn't beat him to death and then get a dodgy pathologist to say it was a heart attack.

Current mood: amused.

5 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

21st January, 2011. 11:22 am. Give generously - Charley Boorman is a cock and should be left to die in the desert...

I've been watching "the long way round" or whatever it's called...

1. Anyone who says "a motorcycle gives you freedom" and "a motorcycle can get you to places no car can navigate" whilst still being followed at all times by TWO Toyota HiLux trucks containing:
  • a 3 man film crew
  • private doctor
  • 2 armed security guards
  • private assistant
  • spare helmets
  • spare parts
  • spare clothes
  • spare motorcycle
  • spare fucking EVERYTHING
...lacks a sense of irony - or they're a cock.

2. Anyone who doesn't secretly UNLOAD all the really heavy stuff from the motorcycle panniers into the bottom of the HiLux before departure, lacks any ability to plan ahead and is an idiot, and also possibly a cock.

3. Anyone who didn't unload the heavy stuff before departure, and therefore drops his motorcycle on its side TWICE, in front of his own film crew, BEFORE HE HAS EVEN LEFT LONDON is a twat; AND he'll have to wait there until his armed security guards turn up to help him pick it up again, because IT'S TOO FUCKING HEAVY for him to do himself.  Cock.

4. Anyone who STILL doesn't unload his motorcycle (because if it's too heavy for the M25, it's going to get stuck in the Sahara A LOT) is a complete moron and deserves to be left to die in the desert. Like the cock he is.

Sadly, his security guards probably have a bonus dependent upon NOT leaving him behind, thus clouding their rational decision making.

So, this year, think of the children. Don't give to charity - give to Blackwater Security Consultants. Give them a bigger bonus if Charlie Boorman doesn't make it back.


Would you donate?

Yes! I'll donate your bonus! Please leave Charlie Boorman in the desert to die next time!
12(50.0%)
Please handcuff Jamie Oliver to him too!
12(50.0%)


Current mood: amused.

1 Crashed Skateboard -Drive Fast and Dangerous

20th January, 2011. 9:35 pm. Black Rock A... what the FUCK was THAT?

 It appears that one has been invited to attend the “Black Rock Arts Festival” held one of the former colonies; and furthermore, that one should procure a “mutant vehicle” for the amusement and edification of the masses. As I (sadly) only possess vehicles of a Teutonic or Roman nature, I shall find it necessary to commission a new gentleman’s conveyance for the occasion, probably from Empire Rocketry Research Group, to show these Johnny-come-latelys how a proper gentleman traverses the desert.

As I recall the last person to traverse the deserts of this particular country desert was Mr. Andy Green, but he was a bit on the brisk and urgent side and they probably missed it . Also, as he didn't drive over 3,000 hippies it doesn't count. I shall try to do better, 

I was basically thinking of a Chesterfield sofa powered by the engine from a Vulcan bomber*, unless anyone has any better ideas before I send off sealed instructions to the lawyers. What could possibly go wrong?

* - obviously I would wear full protective attire at all times; Pith helmet, brogues, goggles and a proper starched collar. Probably trousers of some sort too. And a Prince Albert attached to the kill switch. You can never be too careful. Except when breakdancing whilst priming plastic explosives.

Current mood: recumbent.

17 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

4th January, 2011. 5:02 pm. Would you take tech support from a French Pirate?

My Kenwood chef has blown up (sadface). After making two batches of dough, which seemed to strain it a bit, it's now giving a sad little message E06 and refuses to work whenever the temperature is turned up.

And yes, I have tried turning it off and on again.

After searching the web, the only description of the error I have managed to find is here: http://www.le-cookingchef.com/viewtopic.php?f=62&t=51 - but it's in French. Furthermore, of the two people giving the advice, one is dressed as a pirate, and the other apparently has a pile of pancakes on their head. Admittedly a third person pipes in on the second page of discussion, but as they are dressed as murderous disembowelling on a ski slope (*), I'm not sure I would take their advice either. But it seems as though it's a failure of the temperature sensors and you need to send it back to Kenwood for repair. Which is not, to be honest, a very good result for a machine that cost the best part of a grand and is only 3 months old.

Edit: Apparently if you use it for making dough or pizza it can break the temperature sensors in the base. And as I was making bread and escargot pizza yesterday, that will be what broke it.

* - or possibly a strawberry meringue, I couldn't tell.


Current mood: annoyed.

3 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

30th December, 2010. 9:48 am. SIXTY THOUSAND KITTENS!!!!

Deal Neighbours,

You may have noticed that there is a skip outside my house. Indeed, you will possibly have also noticed that over the last couple of months I have put a few notes through your door asking if you could please not park on the route to the house as it is difficult for the builder/plumber/alarm maintenance man/skip lorry/Howdens lorry etc. to gain access to the house.

You may be asking yourself "Why the hell is that skip STILL there after 2 months? It's making the place look a mess." - and I would have to agree with you.
The thing is, the skip lorry needs to have clear access ALL THE WAY from the entrance to the skip, in order to collect the skip. This means that ALL the cars need to be moved out of the way, and this is the important bit, ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

It's almost exactly like a safe.

You can only
open the safe/move the skip
if ALL the cars are
out of the way/discs are in line
… at exactly the same time.

The problem is getting all of the cars moved and getting the skip lorry there at the SAME time. As I do not have email addresses or phone numbers for many of you, all I can do is fall back on putting sad little notes (like this one) through your letterbox.
The result, as you can see from the fact that the skip is still there, is that I don't KNOW if you have received the note, or if you just happen to have gone on holiday that week and abandoned your car outside or taken your car with you.
So, I ask the skip man to come and take his skip away ASAP, and usually within a week I get a garbled message saying "Ee come rahnd your manor and there were sommat in the way. Innit.". This means "he was unable to take the skip away due to an obstruction".

To those of you who have moved your cars out of the way and kept them out of the way:
Thank you very much, I'm sorry the skip isn't moved, as soon as I can guarantee that all the OTHER vehicular obstructions are out of the way, I will get the skip lorry back.

To those of you who moved your cars out of the way, and then put them BACK after 2 weeks, thinking "Why is that skip still there? I moved MY car. I'm not walking all the way round from the car park to my house any more if he's not going to move the skip…"
Thank you for parking your car for 2 weeks round the corner. I'm sorry the skip hasn't been moved during this time. This is because someone OTHER THAN YOU was obstructing the access. Unfortunately, now YOU are obstructing the access. And when you move YOUR car then someone ELSE may tire of walking the extra 50 yards to their vehicle, and then THEY will obstruct the access. If this continues, there is a complex factorial equation which details how likely it is that all the cars are randomly moved out of the way at the SAME TIME that the skip lorry turns up. Unfortunately, this equates to somewhere in June 2017, which is a long time to wait.

To those of you who had NO IDEA that any of this is going on, but yet who do occasionally park vehicles between my house and the entrance:
Please get in touch. We would like to synchronise a clear day so we can get rid of the skip.

To those of you who only park their cars in front of their house when they are in the house, and will move them if the skip lorry turns up.
That's helpful, but the skip lorry driver doesn't know which cars belong to which houses. He only knows MY house, and even if he does press on my doorbell, chances are that I won't be in. He's not going to press on everyone's doorbell. And if he calls me, I may not get the message until later by which time he has gone again.

To those of you who gave me their car keys and said "feel free to move my car when the skip lorry turns up"
Thank you, but aside from the insurance and liability aspect, that doesn't help in the event that the skip lorry turns up when I am not at home. The skip lorry will probably turn up during working hours, and during working hours I am usually… working.

To the person who stopped me in the street and said "Is that bloody skip your responsibility? It's a bit of a ****ing eyesore. You should move it.".
Thank you for pointing that out, I am well aware of this, and I trust that this letter goes some way to explaining WHY it is still there. And Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, too.

Fun facts about skips!
How much does a skip weigh?
Well, a loaded skip weighs about 6000kg. That's six THOUSAND kilograms! Or six TONS!! Or six MILLION grams!!! Or approximately SIXTY THOUSAND KITTENS!!!!

Can a man pick a skip up and take it away?

No. A man is not strong enough to pick up a skip.

Can a lot of men pick up a skip and take it away?

No. Even with a lot of men, there is not enough space around a skip for them all to be able to grab hold of part of the skip.

Can 60,000 kittens pick up a skip?
Yes, but I don't have 60,000 kittens, and their sense of direction isn't very good and they would get lost on the way to the town dump or fall asleep or chase a ball of string or something. Kittens are good at that. They're not very good at moving skips.

How DO you pick up a skip and take it away?
With a skip lorry.

How does the skip lorry pick the skip up?
Well, it reverses (that is, it goes backwards) IN A STRAIGHT LINE up to the skip, and a grabby thing reaches out IN A STRAIGHT LINE, grabs the skip and picks it up.

What happens if I park my car on the corner of the lane?
The skip lorry is unable to reverse round the corner. The lorry driver turns up, takes one look at the situation, TAKES THE MONEY and goes away again.

Why does he take the money if he didn't pick up the skip?
Partly because he has had to drive all the way over to Wapping to collect a skip for no reason, and this has cost him time and used up diesel. Mostly out of sheer bloody mindedness because he's tired of driving all the way to Wapping and not being able to collect his skip and this is not the first time he has done this.

How much does it cost for a skip lorry to come to Wapping, but not pick a skip up?
About 100 pounds.

What happens if I park my car right in front of the skip?
The skip lorry is UNABLE to reach OVER your car to pick the skip up.

Can the skip lorry PICK UP any cars that are in the way and move them?
The skip lorry is not insured to pick up cars and move them; unless they are already in skips of their own.

What happens if I park my car a LONG way front of the skip?
The skip lorry cannot go backwards IN A STRAIGHT LINE to grab the skip. In the "loading" configuration, the combination of skip lorry and skip is VERY LONG.

Can't the skip lorry drive round my car in a 3-point turn, fit into the gap, and THEN pick up the skip?
No. Skip lorries have about the same turning circle as an aircraft carrier. You're thinking of a taxi. Taxis have Ackerman steering, which gives them a very small turning circle.

Can Taxis pick up skips?
No. Taxis pick up passengers. Taxis cannot pick up skips. Skip lorries pick up skips.

What other differences are there between taxis and skip lorries?
Skip lorries are yellow. Taxis are black (except in New York where it's the other way round).

If a taxi was full of 60,000 kittens…
LOOK, stop going on about taxis, I'm trying to get my skip moved!

Why didn't you put the skip somewhere that the skip lorry could easily reach?
Because then it would be outside someone else's house, possibly YOUR house, and this seemed a little bit rude.
When will the skip lorry next be back? He actually WAS planning to be here on 25th December. Yes, I know that. Apparently he's got a job in the area on that day. Unfortunately, as there is (as of this morning) still one unidentified car in the way and I suspect the owners are on holiday, I've told him not to come. I guess now the skip lorry will not be back until 5th January onwards.

So, until then, feel free to park anywhere, double or triple park if you like, block the lane entirely, weld your cars together and make a burning barricade. I don't care. I'll jump my mountainbike over the wall if I need to get out in the next week.
But during this time, could I please get some contact details from people if you have vehicles on the route, so I can sort out a skip moving date next year?


Current mood: amused.

22 Crashed Skateboards -Drive Fast and Dangerous

27th September, 2010. 11:36 am. Wanted: busybox / xfs expert for cash consultancy. Mail me if interested.

Wanted: busybox / xfs expert for cash consultancy. Mail me if interested.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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